Written by: Jacob Stachowiak
After pondering if I could have a more convoluted last name, I'm sure you're dying to skip ahead to where I actually talk about the show.
Well, too bad. Everyone else writes their cute little introductions with their thesis statements and descriptive lesson plans. Why am I not afforded the same level of respect? I am just as unqualified as the next internet writer; why are my thoughts passed up for cheap thrills?
Click the below "Read More" link so you can scroll through all the lines of text to see my letters grades.
After pondering if I could have a more convoluted last name, I'm sure you're dying to skip ahead to where I actually talk about the show.
Well, too bad. Everyone else writes their cute little introductions with their thesis statements and descriptive lesson plans. Why am I not afforded the same level of respect? I am just as unqualified as the next internet writer; why are my thoughts passed up for cheap thrills?
Click the below "Read More" link so you can scroll through all the lines of text to see my letters grades.
If you don't see a "Read More" link, congrats, you've passed the exam. Your first written review about plums and their contribution to earth is due on Tuesday. As always, we expect your submission to be signed in triplicate by your grandmother (on your father's side only).
PRECURSOR: I'm not much for research (read: lazy), so you're not going to get a full encapsulated look at the show. I don't know any of the actors' names, and, as far as I know, this show airs on C-Span (p.s. Netflix for-the-win).
I do know that the show was co-developed by Dennis Leary. Whether or not it's the actual Denis Leary is a Wikipedia search, I just can't be bothered with right now.
Episode 1: "Superdick"
Brief: After finding a new apartment, couple Johnny and Theresa question if their sex life is slowing down.
Patient: A landlord suffers a self-induced peanut allergy attack, and the meeting benefits both Johnny and best friend Hank.
Highlights: An emoji conversation drives dunderhead Billy's interest in pandas farther, an intriguing shallots revelation, frustrated Brian confronts his asexual girlfriend Voodoo about masturbation, and Kevin Bacon has sex with a rabbit.
Grade: B+, must watch.
Episode 2: "Johnny Nightingale"
Brief: A tired look at the White Knight/Florence Nightingale trope.
Patient: Random guy collapses at a tennis court. Johnny saves his life and the guy repays him back ten-fold. Johnny uses him absurdly and to a fault.
Patient #2: A teenage girl's face is badly bruised in a car accident. Good-doer Brian steps up to keep her from being self-conscious. You can tell which story is more interesting already, right?
Highlights: Everything Brian does and nothing else.
Grade: C-, fast-forward through the Johnny-related parts
Episode 3: "Briandipity"
Brief: This episode is all about the movie Serendipity and the idea of destiny.
Patient: A careless skater in the park is hit by a sedan. Had he not been hit, the team's ambulance would've been in an even worse accident. This gets the crew thinking about fate.
Highlights: Brian's questionable taste in films is challenged, Johnny's love for Theresa shines through, "Billy" is a confusing safe word to use, drag queen insecurities, the luckiest construction worker ever, and "WE ARE IN A VORTEX".
Grade: A+, can't miss
PRECURSOR: I'm not much for research (read: lazy), so you're not going to get a full encapsulated look at the show. I don't know any of the actors' names, and, as far as I know, this show airs on C-Span (p.s. Netflix for-the-win).
I do know that the show was co-developed by Dennis Leary. Whether or not it's the actual Denis Leary is a Wikipedia search, I just can't be bothered with right now.
Episode 1: "Superdick"
Brief: After finding a new apartment, couple Johnny and Theresa question if their sex life is slowing down.
Patient: A landlord suffers a self-induced peanut allergy attack, and the meeting benefits both Johnny and best friend Hank.
Highlights: An emoji conversation drives dunderhead Billy's interest in pandas farther, an intriguing shallots revelation, frustrated Brian confronts his asexual girlfriend Voodoo about masturbation, and Kevin Bacon has sex with a rabbit.
Grade: B+, must watch.
Episode 2: "Johnny Nightingale"
Brief: A tired look at the White Knight/Florence Nightingale trope.
Patient: Random guy collapses at a tennis court. Johnny saves his life and the guy repays him back ten-fold. Johnny uses him absurdly and to a fault.
Patient #2: A teenage girl's face is badly bruised in a car accident. Good-doer Brian steps up to keep her from being self-conscious. You can tell which story is more interesting already, right?
Highlights: Everything Brian does and nothing else.
Grade: C-, fast-forward through the Johnny-related parts
Episode 3: "Briandipity"
Brief: This episode is all about the movie Serendipity and the idea of destiny.
Patient: A careless skater in the park is hit by a sedan. Had he not been hit, the team's ambulance would've been in an even worse accident. This gets the crew thinking about fate.
Highlights: Brian's questionable taste in films is challenged, Johnny's love for Theresa shines through, "Billy" is a confusing safe word to use, drag queen insecurities, the luckiest construction worker ever, and "WE ARE IN A VORTEX".
Grade: A+, can't miss
Episode 4: "Transcendual"
Brief: Brian thinks he's transcended sex but Voodo doesn't quite believe him.
Patient: The Miz. The freaking Miz. I can't escape him. Does this man have a free pass to any USA Network show created? Is Big Show coming up next?
In this episode, Mike Mizanin tears his groin from excessive work on a weight-lifting machine. Even on Sirens, Miz is doing the job.
Thoughts: This is a pretty uneventful episode, despite a shift in the Brian/Voodoo relationship. Most of the action takes place in a gym, and Johnny painfully portrays the stereotypical every-man that has unfaithful eyes despite being in a relationship.
Grade: D, pass it. There wasn't even a highlight column on this one.
Episode 5: "All The Single Ladies"
Brief: Brian coordinates a Beyonce dance recital in a patient's house.
Patient: A frustrated mother breaks her wrist while hosting a slumber party for her daughter and friends.
Highlights: Tips for women searching for gay best friends, WOMEN ARE ALWAYS JEALOUS OF EACH OTHER MAGGLE, and do not look to gay men to fill up any of your holes
Grade: C+, sounds great on paper, but it's a pretty average episode
Episode 6: "Screw The One Percent"
Brief: Johnny rants on rich people while Brian tries to move on with his sex life.
Patient: Wealthy college kids call in for a fake emergency and bribe the crew to get out of it.
Highlights: Rich black people deserve to be hated too, Brian will not turn down a high-five, and Billy has Brian's back and it's amazing
Grade: A, Johnny's funniest performance of the season up to this point
Episode 7: "Let Pythons Be Pythons"
Brief: This episode is literally about a python. Yup, that title is actually legitimate.
Patient: A woman steals her ex-boyfriend's pet python, but, during a car ride, it manages to wrap itself around her neck causing an accident.
Highlights: Cutting public service funds will lead to snake-related deaths, Billy enters hell and has a moment of biblical proportions, and "Do you have no pride?" "I do not."
Grade: A++++ for the male half of this episode. There's a subplot involving Theresa and her sister that's average quality. After the math, that makes it a B+.
Episode 8: "Hypocritical Oath"
Brief: The crew battle with the idea of change after saving the life of a portly criminal. Aaron Rodgers is also a really nice guy (the Packers fan on this site will enjoy that).
Patient: A notorious leader in the Irish mob has a heart attack at his favorite restaurant. He's played by one of those mafia character actors that can't get any other role.
Highlights: Jay Cutler's knee is literally Satan (Todd Collins was also a terrible backup quarterback), "gauze" annunciation, and "PONY TIIIIIME".
Grade: B, an extremely easy (though uneventful) watch that you'll breeze through.
Episode 9: "Charbroiled"
Brief: Johnny hosts a barbecue dinner after being gifted a new grill. He's then faced with the challenge of keeping the peace between his dad (a fireman) and Theresa's dad (a cop).
Patient: Chicago Cubs fans brawl with Chicago White Sox fans which cause the crew to think about the "us vs. the world" philosophy.
Highlights: Everyone in sales is an asshole, "you're like Stephen Hawking with a working penis", and "people love my punch mustache".
Grade: C+, overall it's an average episode and the cops vs. firefighters argument gets a bit annoying.
Episode 10: "Balls"
Brief: Billy invites Johnny and Theresa to a tennis match. Meanwhile, Hank tries a new method to find a perfect gift for his mother's birthday.
Patient: A pissed off pregnant woman in labor fires her midwife, and the crew take her to the hospital. She doesn't affect the plot of the episode at all, but it does help Brian with his bucket list.
Highlights: "I love cocky Johnny." "Yeah you do.", Frank Tarkenton, "Kevin, that baby is not a toy.", and "I'm in your head. I'm in your kitchen. I'm making you flapjacks, Jonathan.".
Grade: A, Billy's performance as a tennis player cannot be missed.
Episode 11: "Six Feet Over/Under"
Brief: Battling with his past and the idea of death, Johnny tries to cope with tragedy.
Patient: Johnny's father suffers a heart attack and falls into a coma.
Thoughts: There are no comedy highlights in this episode since it is so emotionally driven. The actors perform very well for the passionate bits, and it doesn't get too sappy.
Grade: B, not worth watching for comedy's sake but you need to see it if you're as invested in the characters as I am.
Episode 12: "No Love"
Brief: When the crew visit the hood for an emergency, Johnny sees how much respect Theresa receives from the neighborhood for being a cop.
Patient: An upcoming rapper, most known for his 200k hit total on Youtube, purposely gets shot in the leg to garner street cred.
Highlights: "bring. bagels. every. Monday. for. ever.", A.L.F.D. (asshole looking for drugs), and the ending sequence credits.
Grade: B, this wasn't a very funny episode, but it was entertaining and an easy watch nevertheless.
Episode 13: "Sub-Primal Fears"
Brief: Brian's friends try to convince him to move out of his parents' basement. Meanwhile, there is a shakeup in Billy's romantic life.
Patient: It's Newman......jackass who ruined Jurassic Park.....you know, that guy. He accidentally stabbed his own leg and hasn't had it treated in months.
Highlights: Billy doesn't trust blondes because of Draco Malfoy, "he knows more about the reproductive system than I would've guessed.", and "You're not going to get that security deposit back, bro, nobody does.".
Grade: A, this was a solid way to conclude the season, featuring more comedy than the previous few episodes.
Brief: Brian thinks he's transcended sex but Voodo doesn't quite believe him.
Patient: The Miz. The freaking Miz. I can't escape him. Does this man have a free pass to any USA Network show created? Is Big Show coming up next?
In this episode, Mike Mizanin tears his groin from excessive work on a weight-lifting machine. Even on Sirens, Miz is doing the job.
Thoughts: This is a pretty uneventful episode, despite a shift in the Brian/Voodoo relationship. Most of the action takes place in a gym, and Johnny painfully portrays the stereotypical every-man that has unfaithful eyes despite being in a relationship.
Grade: D, pass it. There wasn't even a highlight column on this one.
Episode 5: "All The Single Ladies"
Brief: Brian coordinates a Beyonce dance recital in a patient's house.
Patient: A frustrated mother breaks her wrist while hosting a slumber party for her daughter and friends.
Highlights: Tips for women searching for gay best friends, WOMEN ARE ALWAYS JEALOUS OF EACH OTHER MAGGLE, and do not look to gay men to fill up any of your holes
Grade: C+, sounds great on paper, but it's a pretty average episode
Episode 6: "Screw The One Percent"
Brief: Johnny rants on rich people while Brian tries to move on with his sex life.
Patient: Wealthy college kids call in for a fake emergency and bribe the crew to get out of it.
Highlights: Rich black people deserve to be hated too, Brian will not turn down a high-five, and Billy has Brian's back and it's amazing
Grade: A, Johnny's funniest performance of the season up to this point
Episode 7: "Let Pythons Be Pythons"
Brief: This episode is literally about a python. Yup, that title is actually legitimate.
Patient: A woman steals her ex-boyfriend's pet python, but, during a car ride, it manages to wrap itself around her neck causing an accident.
Highlights: Cutting public service funds will lead to snake-related deaths, Billy enters hell and has a moment of biblical proportions, and "Do you have no pride?" "I do not."
Grade: A++++ for the male half of this episode. There's a subplot involving Theresa and her sister that's average quality. After the math, that makes it a B+.
Episode 8: "Hypocritical Oath"
Brief: The crew battle with the idea of change after saving the life of a portly criminal. Aaron Rodgers is also a really nice guy (the Packers fan on this site will enjoy that).
Patient: A notorious leader in the Irish mob has a heart attack at his favorite restaurant. He's played by one of those mafia character actors that can't get any other role.
Highlights: Jay Cutler's knee is literally Satan (Todd Collins was also a terrible backup quarterback), "gauze" annunciation, and "PONY TIIIIIME".
Grade: B, an extremely easy (though uneventful) watch that you'll breeze through.
Episode 9: "Charbroiled"
Brief: Johnny hosts a barbecue dinner after being gifted a new grill. He's then faced with the challenge of keeping the peace between his dad (a fireman) and Theresa's dad (a cop).
Patient: Chicago Cubs fans brawl with Chicago White Sox fans which cause the crew to think about the "us vs. the world" philosophy.
Highlights: Everyone in sales is an asshole, "you're like Stephen Hawking with a working penis", and "people love my punch mustache".
Grade: C+, overall it's an average episode and the cops vs. firefighters argument gets a bit annoying.
Episode 10: "Balls"
Brief: Billy invites Johnny and Theresa to a tennis match. Meanwhile, Hank tries a new method to find a perfect gift for his mother's birthday.
Patient: A pissed off pregnant woman in labor fires her midwife, and the crew take her to the hospital. She doesn't affect the plot of the episode at all, but it does help Brian with his bucket list.
Highlights: "I love cocky Johnny." "Yeah you do.", Frank Tarkenton, "Kevin, that baby is not a toy.", and "I'm in your head. I'm in your kitchen. I'm making you flapjacks, Jonathan.".
Grade: A, Billy's performance as a tennis player cannot be missed.
Episode 11: "Six Feet Over/Under"
Brief: Battling with his past and the idea of death, Johnny tries to cope with tragedy.
Patient: Johnny's father suffers a heart attack and falls into a coma.
Thoughts: There are no comedy highlights in this episode since it is so emotionally driven. The actors perform very well for the passionate bits, and it doesn't get too sappy.
Grade: B, not worth watching for comedy's sake but you need to see it if you're as invested in the characters as I am.
Episode 12: "No Love"
Brief: When the crew visit the hood for an emergency, Johnny sees how much respect Theresa receives from the neighborhood for being a cop.
Patient: An upcoming rapper, most known for his 200k hit total on Youtube, purposely gets shot in the leg to garner street cred.
Highlights: "bring. bagels. every. Monday. for. ever.", A.L.F.D. (asshole looking for drugs), and the ending sequence credits.
Grade: B, this wasn't a very funny episode, but it was entertaining and an easy watch nevertheless.
Episode 13: "Sub-Primal Fears"
Brief: Brian's friends try to convince him to move out of his parents' basement. Meanwhile, there is a shakeup in Billy's romantic life.
Patient: It's Newman......jackass who ruined Jurassic Park.....you know, that guy. He accidentally stabbed his own leg and hasn't had it treated in months.
Highlights: Billy doesn't trust blondes because of Draco Malfoy, "he knows more about the reproductive system than I would've guessed.", and "You're not going to get that security deposit back, bro, nobody does.".
Grade: A, this was a solid way to conclude the season, featuring more comedy than the previous few episodes.
Final Thoughts
Funny story: I didn't search for any information on this show before reviewing it. I didn't want to spoil any details and kind of wanted to learn it all a more natural way.
But forget that, I had to look up how the hell to spell Maeve (Theresa's sister). Having done this, I learned that the show was not renewed for a third season by USA Network.
You probably couldn't tell by my lack of knowledge involving the show, but it's actually my favorite program. This was a shocker for me, really.
I had this whole point-by-point breakdown of where the show can go in the next season, and it's not happening.
It's not going to be picked up by another network; I know that. Every show I've ever liked dies a death after one or two seasons (i.e. Clerks The Animated Series, Undergrads, Reaper, the list goes on).
So now, here's just a list off the things I loved about the show. I'll go have a good cry-wank after I publish this.
Final Grade: B. It wasn't a perfect season but it was good enough for another run. It's a shame it won't since it was deserving, and I could have used more modern television to enjoy rather than slumming it in the past.
But forget that, I had to look up how the hell to spell Maeve (Theresa's sister). Having done this, I learned that the show was not renewed for a third season by USA Network.
You probably couldn't tell by my lack of knowledge involving the show, but it's actually my favorite program. This was a shocker for me, really.
I had this whole point-by-point breakdown of where the show can go in the next season, and it's not happening.
It's not going to be picked up by another network; I know that. Every show I've ever liked dies a death after one or two seasons (i.e. Clerks The Animated Series, Undergrads, Reaper, the list goes on).
So now, here's just a list off the things I loved about the show. I'll go have a good cry-wank after I publish this.
- The theme song is short and sweet. It's catchy and does its job right.
- Johnny and Theresa are really in love, and it's actually explained and refreshing for television sitcom standards.
- The humor here is outstanding when it's on point.
- The banter between characters is compelling in its own right and outstandingly witty.
- Besides the purposely terrible Maeve, every character is lovable.
- Brian and Billy steal the show, and every word they say is gold. Their performances are the greatest results of this series coming together.
Final Grade: B. It wasn't a perfect season but it was good enough for another run. It's a shame it won't since it was deserving, and I could have used more modern television to enjoy rather than slumming it in the past.