This review was written by Jacob Stachowiak in front of a live studio audience.
Previously on Texas Restroom Reviews:
Previously on Texas Restroom Reviews:
"Maybe, I'll just review shopping carts for now on."
Did you really think that was going to happen? I'm not the Texas Shopping Carts Review guy, I'm the toilet man. I'm like a plumber who doesn't have any tools and complains about things on the internet.
Anyway, I recall an awful visit to a local CVS Pharmacy in Brownsville.
Anyway, I recall an awful visit to a local CVS Pharmacy in Brownsville.
First off, I want to thank the company for still accepting Medicaid for most things while picky Walmart keeps their head firmly up their own ass.
Obviously, if you didn't accept Medicaid, I wouldn't even bother going to your store in the first place.
With those pleasantries out of the way, let's focus on the travesty that is their bathroom system.
After I've picked up my prescription of various erectile dysfunction-related medications - which I use for undisclosed reasons - I head for their stalls. Then, I find out that there are no stalls. It's actually just one sole room to yourself.
Ideally, this is a perfect situation. This is just like home. You have your privacy and the world is your oyster (or shitter in this circumstance).
However, there's one stinging flaw in all of it. It looks like this:
Obviously, if you didn't accept Medicaid, I wouldn't even bother going to your store in the first place.
With those pleasantries out of the way, let's focus on the travesty that is their bathroom system.
After I've picked up my prescription of various erectile dysfunction-related medications - which I use for undisclosed reasons - I head for their stalls. Then, I find out that there are no stalls. It's actually just one sole room to yourself.
Ideally, this is a perfect situation. This is just like home. You have your privacy and the world is your oyster (or shitter in this circumstance).
However, there's one stinging flaw in all of it. It looks like this:
And this is what hell looks like.
I let out a powerless sigh as if any hope of a good experience here was out the window.
Looking at that photograph, there's a few quick thoughts that will flicker in your mind:
1. It's absolutely disgusting.
2. Why is there a random piece of plastic lying in the corner and what is it used for? Does this bathroom require prerequisite reading beforehand?
3. What does the gray case thing on the wall hold? Is it a life vest if the pipes burst?
4. I understand the grip bar to the right of the toilet but why have one behind it? What kind of weird position are people riding toilets these days?
5. There's a plunger right there for your convenience. That means a customer has destroyed it before, and they've learned a lesson from it.
Once I finish my urination ritual of peeing while praying to Cincinnati Reds First Base Coach Freddie Benavides, I find my greatest nemesis staring me down.
A god damn automatic flush. Fuck me. For fuck's sake. WHY?
All the features elsewhere are so out-of-date, and yet they managed to sneak in a computer system to erase my droppings.
The worst part of its existence is: it either doesn't work at all or just has a massive time delay. When I finished, it did not flush, and, when I left, it did not flush either. So, it either took two minutes to perform its base function or the next unfortunate visitor had to stare at my piss.
Thankfully, the sink had a manual handle. The soap dispenser on the other hand must have been filled with sperm because a thick spurt of creamy whiteness slithered out of it. I gave it a sniff and figured man juice is probably good for the skin anyways.
Now, it's time for the drying off process.
Looking at that photograph, there's a few quick thoughts that will flicker in your mind:
1. It's absolutely disgusting.
2. Why is there a random piece of plastic lying in the corner and what is it used for? Does this bathroom require prerequisite reading beforehand?
3. What does the gray case thing on the wall hold? Is it a life vest if the pipes burst?
4. I understand the grip bar to the right of the toilet but why have one behind it? What kind of weird position are people riding toilets these days?
5. There's a plunger right there for your convenience. That means a customer has destroyed it before, and they've learned a lesson from it.
Once I finish my urination ritual of peeing while praying to Cincinnati Reds First Base Coach Freddie Benavides, I find my greatest nemesis staring me down.
A god damn automatic flush. Fuck me. For fuck's sake. WHY?
All the features elsewhere are so out-of-date, and yet they managed to sneak in a computer system to erase my droppings.
The worst part of its existence is: it either doesn't work at all or just has a massive time delay. When I finished, it did not flush, and, when I left, it did not flush either. So, it either took two minutes to perform its base function or the next unfortunate visitor had to stare at my piss.
Thankfully, the sink had a manual handle. The soap dispenser on the other hand must have been filled with sperm because a thick spurt of creamy whiteness slithered out of it. I gave it a sniff and figured man juice is probably good for the skin anyways.
Now, it's time for the drying off process.
If this restroom is hell, this thing is Satan.
No way. Fuck off.
It's one of these.
It's a cute little napkin dispenser.
I have MAN HANDS. I need something bigger than a Kleenex to wipe my filth away.
After using about ten of these dry, crusted wipes, I headed out the door and never looked back.
Had the room smelled worse or looked even dirtier, I would've graded it a zero. It gets a better grade because the pharmacists were nice and I have my medical needs (and severe urges). Being banned from CVS isn't going to get me anywhere in life.
It's one of these.
It's a cute little napkin dispenser.
I have MAN HANDS. I need something bigger than a Kleenex to wipe my filth away.
After using about ten of these dry, crusted wipes, I headed out the door and never looked back.
Had the room smelled worse or looked even dirtier, I would've graded it a zero. It gets a better grade because the pharmacists were nice and I have my medical needs (and severe urges). Being banned from CVS isn't going to get me anywhere in life.